With a body like mine, who needs hair?

I got to thinking about hair the other day. I was thinking about the good old days, my salad days – back when the Earth was still cooling and I had to wear thick-soled shoes to avoid burning my feet. Back when I actually still had hair. Real hair. On my head.

[pullquote]Now everything about hair on my body is weird. [/pullquote]Now everything about hair on my body is weird. The hair on my head is largely non-existent. I believe that is because it has purposefully migrated to humiliating places on my body where hair doesn’t belong – my nose, my neck, my ears, my back – in a sort of bodily revenge for something. Maybe it’s for all the lack of stretching before and after workouts or all the drinking I did, er, ah…. In college. Yeah, that’s it. In college.

Not only am I growing hair in places that are or should be verboten, according to the Geneva Convention on Basic Body Decency, the body hair that my wife actually likes is slowly being rubbed away by simply wearing clothes. Like many older men, I am facing the reality of looking like a plucked chicken in a few years.

I have considered fighting this problem by going around in the nude, but my wife nixed that idea. Plus, come to think of it, I don’t truly want to be known as The Naked Guy in our local Publix grocery store. That would be weird.

I don’t need haircuts very often any more. But I am constantly trying to trim my ear and nose hair, which isn’t easy. The human body doesn’t bend the right way to trim ear hair. Those battery-powered gizmos don’t work very well either. I’ve tried two or three of them.

I have been thinking about letting it grow and braiding it. Earburns will replace my sideburns. Nasal braids might become the new dreads…. I might try to patent that idea. Don’t get me started on my hairy back, however. That’s too cruel.

photoI have convinced my wife that is a back toupee and that all her favorite male celebrities are sporting them. It’s cool in Hollywood. Naturally, it is the only hair on my body that is not gray.

It wasn’t always this way. When I started teaching in high school in 1972 (told you I was old….), I actually sported a full head of hair, as the photo nearby attests. This is how it ought to be.

Not being overrun by accessory hair.

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